This post was written a few weeks prior to being posted.
I should preface that the title is more aspirational than it leads on. I woke up this morning dazed and confused, not fully accepting that this actually happened. So badly do I want to feel indifferent about the whole situation and to move on. To emulate Chumbawamba and get back up as soon my body hit the proverbial floor. Fat chance! Instead, my brain can’t help but dissect every little detail (as if that’ll change anything). It feels as though, with each passing hour, another brick is added to the wall of disappointment going up around me.
Does it help to understand the reasons behind the decision, to sympathize? Does it make a difference to be reassured the decision had nothing to do with my work? I leave that up to you. The fact remains that the value of one thing was no match for another. A sad, yet unsurprising reality too many of us facing at the moment.
As much as this week was a let down (we’re only Wednesday) it was also a learning opportunity – I will be repeating this over and over again until I believe it 100%. It showed just how delicate the sense of security truly is. And, that projecting expectations onto others is a great way to self-sabotage.
On a more positive note, it also made me realize just how much I learned over the past two and a half years. Despite how this chapter is ending, I’m in a different position going into the job searching phase because of it. I have a better sense of the direction in which I want to head, and a better idea of what’s needed to get there.
Well that last bit sounded super confident! In all honesty, the prospect of looking for something new is more difficult to come to terms with than being let go in itself. Like everything else, selling yourself is a skill in and of itself. I feel so grateful to have been given this opportunity to develop this skillset!
There's always a silver lining
- Probably the most important point to make is the support system.
- Not having to go through something like this alone, as bitter as it is, makes it that much less daunting.
- I get to spend some quality time with my family.
- No more 5 am wake-up calls to make up for the time difference.
- Since everyone is still self-isolating, safe to assume interviews will be conducted remotely.
- It isn’t the middle of winter.
- I’ll spend the foreseeable future looking for jobs from the comfort of my parent’s garden, a tub of ice cream at arm’s reach.
- There’s an abundance of old papers, photos, books and childhood trinkets I can sort through on a rainy day.
- We didn’t move, thank God!
- RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 5!
So, what now?
I’ll start by going on a LinkedIn endorsement rampage to make up for not telling my former colleagues enough how exceptional they are and how lucky I feel to have worked with them. It’s still surreal to think we won’t see each other every day though.
Then, I want to get all my paperwork done as quickly as possible.
Finally, I’m going to regroup and chill the fuck out for a second. There’s a pottery wheel in the garage with my name on it, lavender to be planted and a phone that needs to be turned off and put in a drawer for a little while.
Maybe it’s too soon to type my thoughts down altogether, but it’s the most constructive thing I did all week and I kinda need a ‘win’ right now, however small. My deepest sympathies to anyone going through something similar. It really sucks, but here’s to letting go.